I carefully considered the life I could lead. My established internal patterns were so deeply ingrained that they formed my core identity, and I lacked the confidence to completely rewire myself—if that was even possible.

I decided to let everything go. Friends, family, career, marriage—all gone. Social life, travel, and holidays—all gone for the foreseeable future. Possibly forever. I know it screams surrender, but that’s how the last 30 years felt to me. Strict rules were necessary to keep me in check. Finally, it led to some really good years.

Then, a few years on, I broke my own rules: No relationships. No involvement with anything addiction-related. But she was different. At first, I felt protective toward her rather than attracted. She was vulnerable after a long relationship. In some twisted fate, her ex was an addict. Bizarrely, with addict horrors, I felt some responsibility. 

Two people from different worlds who should never have connected, yet we formed the most unlikely bond. I really adored her. It was always clear this was never serious. I cannot do it, and she didn’t want it. But we would be close friends for life.

I wholeheartedly supported what I believed to be a promising, exciting new chapter in her life. I gave her everything, financially, physically & emotionally. But from the day she moved into her new flat, she changed in ways I never anticipated. Ungrateful. Spiteful. Bully. After giving her the deposit, rent, and furnishing the flat, within weeks of moving, I was verbally attacked four times for ‘negatively’ impacting her life. How? Everything I did was positive. She even forgot my birthday.. twice…a card 4 days late. These were the better times.

Within months, I became nothing more than a bank account and punching bag. Used, abused, gaslighted. Initially, I blamed myself. It must be me. And I excused it all on her past trauma. But her emotional issues ran deep, and her ex would never let her go. Always manipulating and trying to control. Sadly, she remained in some spell.

As her behaviour worsened, I gave even more of myself, hoping it would make a difference. I desperately wanted to see her happy. Totally confused by her extraordinary behaviour. I had never seen anything like it.

It was a constant struggle to reconcile the friend I adored with this cruel stranger.

When my mum broke her spine in a serious accident, she didn’t even call once that week, and the next time I saw her was truly gobmacking. I finally stood up to her. She ended it. We only ever saw one another once more, and she degraded me then, too. By this stage, I’d lost all identity, and ADHD went to an unknown place.

Naively, I continued to help with her online coaching. She moved back to London without even letting me know, and many months later came the last betrayal, one final emotionally abusive act—I was ghosted. She vanished without any warning or explanation. Gone forever.

I invested £35,000 and two years of my life. This painful descent plunged me into unknown darkness and profoundly changed me. Not from a broken heart but a completely shattered understanding of people. I know I wasn’t without fault. I was very much to blame.

I ended up in a worse place than ever before. I asked myself. How did this happen? What did I do so wrong to deserve this?