I carefully considered the life I could lead. My established internal patterns were so deeply ingrained that they formed my core identity, and I lacked the confidence to completely rewire myself—if that was even possible.

I decided to let everything go. Friends, family, career, marriage—all gone. Social life, travel, and holidays—all gone for the foreseeable future. Possibly forever. I know it screams surrender, but that’s how the last 30 years felt to me. Strict rules were necessary to keep me in check. Finally, it led to some outstanding years.

Then, a few years on, I broke my own rules: No relationships. No involvement with anything addiction-related. But she was different. At first, I felt protective toward her rather than attracted. She was vulnerable after a long relationship. In some twisted fate, her ex was an addict. Bizarrely, with my addiction horrors, I felt some responsibility. He was at the extreme end of the addict world. I’d seen it all before, but he may have been a different kind of beast. 

Two people from different worlds who should never have connected, yet we formed the most unlikely bond. I really adored her. It was always clear this was never serious. I cannot do it, and she didn’t want it. But we would be close friends for life.

I wholeheartedly supported what I believed to be a promising, exciting new chapter in her life. I gave her everything, financially, physically & emotionally.